Depression

Warning: this post contains a great deal of stream-of-consciousness writing. It doesn't necessarily make perfect sense, nor is it necessarily perfectly accurate. I'm just writing it as I think it. Be warned.

Fuck I'm sick of this. I'm a fucking janitor for this stupid volunteer housing center in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana. An hour of work in the morning cleaning bathrooms and wiping off tables, and that's it for the day. Fourteen hours of lounging around, trying to find food and looking at Facebook every five minutes, then trying to get some sleep before getting up and doing it again the next day. I am an Americorps member, and I will get things done, indeed.

I'm so fucking done with this program. Previously, I could overlook all of the middle-school drama and the absurd rules because of the work; when it came down to it, I was doing some good for people that need it. Now, though, we're trapped in some bureaucrat's wet dream, hanging in limbo until the Red Cross, or Americorps staff, or FEMA, or United Way, or fucking NATO or whoever the hell is in charge gets their shit together and figures out that a trained, qualified, experienced Americorps team SHOULD NOT BE CLEANING FUCKING BATHROOMS. So, I'm fed up with it. I'm sick of moving every three days only to do nothing time and time again. I'm sick of not having my iPod anymore because some cock breath stole it. I'm sick of seeing and working with the same immature people day after day. I'm sick of not being able to drive anywhere. I'm sick of being treated like a four-year-old. I'm sick of being discarded by people I care about for people that don't care about them. I gave up basically two years of college and ten months of my life, and for what?

I can't help but think that life is passing me by, and has been for a while. I keep doing these things that I think will make me a better person, but it seems like it just results in more wasted time. I have this desperate fear that I'm going to end up in my 40's or 50's, looking back in disbelief and wondering where the hell my life went, wondering why I didn't enjoy it when I was young enough to do so. I don't know, maybe I'm just being overly paranoid, but it's hard when all of my friends and the people I grew up with are off living life and doing cool things...and I'm here sweeping the floors in Louisiana, hundreds of miles and months away from anybody that gives a damn.