An Introduction to American Politics, Part Three

And now the Democrats.

Dennis Kucinich: 'Short' seems to be his major characteristic...that and his obsession with the phrase 'Impeach Dick Cheney'. The man is the definition of 'fringe'; he once claimed to have a religious-ish experience with a UFO, and has a plan to defend America against alien attacks, which he would put into effect were he to be elected. Plus, Ani DiFranco is playing a major role in his campaign; what other evidence do you need to realize this guy sucks?

John Edwards: I disagree with a lot of what he says, but you cannot deny he's a genuine populist the likes of which America has not seen in a while. Everybody claims to understand and empathize with the working man; thanks to Edwards' background and experience, he is one of the few candidates that comes across as genuine in that regard. He has little chance to capture the nomination, but would make a great vice-presidential candidate (again). He's also the second-best public speaker, behind none other than...

Barack Obama: My favorite Democrat. I probably could not disagree more with this guy, but anybody who has ever heard him speak will admit that he's one of the most passionate and genuinely idealistic people who has ever made a run for President. Even if you dislike most of his ideas, you can't help but be a little bit more inspired to do some good after hearing Obama up on a stage. He is the 21st century's answer to Bobby Kennedy. I would vote for him only if the Republican nominee totally sucks, but I can't say I'd hate seeing him as President.

Hillary Clinton: My hatred for this bitch runs deep and hard. Every single thing she does or says seems so calculated to garner approval; I don't actually belive she has a point of view. Her opinions are formulated and shaped by pollsters who tell her what the people want to hear. Her claims of experience are complete bullshit, and I wish somebody, ANYBODY, would call her on it. Were I unlucky enough to be Bill Clinton and thus married to her, I'd extend a big old 'fuck you' to Hillary and endorse Obama. I would literally tear out my own esophagus rather than vote for this bitch.

And now, sleep.